Ramblings of the Overmedicated

Truthful Tuesday

I really don’t have what it takes to be in a relationship. I have the communication skills, and all that crap necessary for a healthy dialogue. I have empathy, or what passes for it, I kinda turn that on and off as necessary. I have a human interface layer over the real me, that people find charming, because that’s how its always  redefined. Basically a cocktail personality, I will be what you want me to be. Not to get someone from you, but because that is what people are most comfortable being around. What I lack is the desire to be with someone. Growing up with epilepsy, I was told I couldn’t live alone, ever. I proved that wrong and lived alone for years. I lived in the deep forest with homemade electricity and internet connections. I wrote stories and code that entertained and made people lives better.

 Now that’s all gone. I do menial shit for other people. I live in a nice house, but I’m alone 14 hours a day. My projects are trivialized, my skills are exploited.

I was raised with a strong belief that being alone was a selfish thing to do. I never looked for relationships, they always came to me. I really don’t know why. I’m not remotely good looking, I’m pretty caustic, and I don’t suffer the company of fools. I see the mathematics of fluids in the wind and in streams, where most people just see nature’s beauty.

See, I’m a math dork. It should be considered a form of autism. I had my bachelors in mechanical engineering before I was 21. My masters thesis took ten years before affordable computers caught up to be able to prove it. Now anyone can aerobrake off a planets atmosphere without first knowing the gravitational constant or the makeup of the atmosphere. Just a few sensors can let a robotic probe skip like a pinball between gaseous planets.   For the seven years that I was allowed to be a pilot, I hooked my 486 laptop into the rudimentary autopilot of my Skymaster and used it so I could sleep between business meetings in Milwaukee, Denver and Detroit. Yes, I slept and let a laptop fly over your house.

I grew up with the belief that everything is a resource. I’ve fermented grass clippings into car fuel in cast off containers, I’ve built windmills out of old furnace blower motors. I now live in a world where its easier to buy than build, and everything can be brought to the door. This hurts me in an odd way. Anyone could live like this, and it should be pleasant, but it isn’t. I need the challenge of building things that aren’t buyable. I like to find odd things and make them into indispensable tools. It’s these rare mornings where I have to choke down my anger that I realize I need to be away from society to best help myself.

Horrible rant don’t read

Fuck control freaks that think they know it all. Thanks for fucking with the trap I said I would open later when the cat was calmed down. Thanks for not even closing the fucking garage door you over privileged twat. Two weeks of trust gone, because you gotta FUCK WITH EVERYTHING. I managed animal rescues, you think I know a fucking thing or two about animals?

Now the drive way is filled with pissed on equipment that I have to wash because you KNOW IT FUCKING ALL!

If I just drove away right now your house would be a wreck in a few days. Maybe then I could work, off grid in my rv again.